Let It Go

I’m trying to let go of things.

It started the other day when I realized that I will never be as good a typist as my mom. I just can’t make my hands work that fast any more. I’ve always loved the sound of mom working at a typewriter or keyboard. I don’t know what it is about watching my mom type. Maybe it’s her hands. Mom’s hands are graceful, elegant, capable, strong. Since I can remember, I’ve wanted to be as good a typist as mom.

I’ve recently realized that isn’t going to happen. It’s such a small thing, but I felt a sad little pang when I let it go.

The desire to let go of things extended next to my closet. I don’t regret getting rid of the clothes. What hit me was the realization that I am not getting rid of the clothes so much as I am saying goodbye to the person who used to wear them. She is gone, changed into someone else.

Change isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Most of us can’t, for example, live with our parents forever. Because we grow, we change, hopefully we evolve for the better. But there are questions. I liked her, that person who used to wear those things. When she changed, did she take the good things with her and leave the worst behind?

Most of us tend to hold onto things. Look around your home and see how many walls and flat surfaces are filled with things, most with some sort of memory attached at one point or another. Do you know, I have a blade to a circular saw hanging up on my wall? See, it used to belong to my Granddad Stephens. I never knew him, but he wtote his name on this blade, and it is my way of holding him close to me.

It is not just physical things that we grasp so tightly. We hold grudges, attitudes, faith. We hold onto past hurts, love, hope, memories. I will admit to holding grudges—there are sports teams that I refuse to cheer for because of a player that was on that team 20 years ago. It’s silly, but relatively harmless. As long as I don’t take it too seriously.

Where it starts to hurt you is when your grudges and things are holding on to you instead of you holding onto them. Almost like they are holding you hostage. I used to dream that I would eventually get back into live theatre. I’m working on letting go of that. It feels like the more you can’t realistically see that it (whatever it is) isn’t going to happen, the more you waste time living with sadness and regret about what was, what isn’t, what won’t be, rather than opening your eyes, heart, and mind, and searching for what can be.

There is so much worth letting go of. Stale dreams. Old grudges. Hurtful attitudes tinged with bias and hatred. Kitchy things that just sit around, but you can’t even remember where they came from……anybody want a set of measuring cups that form R2D2 when they are put together correctly? There is just as much worth holding onto. But it seems like…..unless you get rid of the stale, useless things, there isn’t much room to let new things into your life and mind.

Like spring cleaning, only let that fresh breeze clear your mind. It might be a desperately needed breath of fresh air.

Peace,

Kathie